The Rise of the Elder
(or how portcullises destroyed the world)
by Stigandr Wulfgarson, Lord of the White Spire, Bloodbrother
Alright, I’m about to tell you a story. It’s a crazy story, but I think I need to tell some people, because….we’ve been invaded, by a foul and dark force that seeks to destroy us all. Portcullises.
Yeah, that’s right. You heard me. Portcullises destroyed the world. I’m going to tell you how all this went down and how, y’know, the ugly fish stuff got woken up. It’s quite the tale, so bear with.
You see, there are three things I hate and fear in this world: Lighthouses, Bugbears, and worst of all, Portcullises. They’ve a blatant disregard for our lives, trust me on this. When I was a lad up in Norfrost, I fought with my family’s raiders. We would attack a caravan or some such, or better yet, take out some stray Caliburnite vessel wanderin’ where they don’t belong! Twas my duty as a jarl’s boy, but I’m ramblin’ on a little.
One day, we’re setting up for a raid outside of this big ol’ fortress. We were disguised sort of as, uh, merchant types, but they recognized us. So my pa tells me and the others to make a run for it. Well, we’re running, and my best friend, Jovash, he’s following behind me, and then the portcullis begins to close. So I start running faster, but Jovash is running slower. I dive in there, you know, slide on the ground like, but that blasted portcullis was still coming down, and Jovash went in after me and… You know. So Jovash got ripped up by the stupid portcullis. By then my little sister had died in that boat wreck because of a faulty lighthouse, and my aunt had been beaten and eaten by a hundred bugbears (Yes, a hundred, my aunt was huge). Anyway, I was having a rotten time, and it’s all because of Portcullises, Bugbears and Lighthouses!
The Ugly Squid Things and an Old Bag
So, there’s this little old lady named Hagatha, or Damiana, she can never really decide. But she’s got this deck, a Deck of Many Things. Well one day down in Odin’s Hollow while we (Me, Kyrian Winfell, Evelyn Halfelven, and the Teifling Monk) were killin’ some raven-assassins, I drew from that little deck and got the…Key was it? Door? Star! I think it was the Star…. Whatever! All of a sudden, a fancy sword appears in my hand: A Luck Blade. Could wish for crap and everything!
So we carry on for some time; kill a lich, find a Black Book, stab an un-killable wizard thirty times, and poke a beholder in the eye! And then, the portcullis strikes. We were in a heated battle with a colony of Mind Flayers, led by their elder brain- a huge brain, and really old too. The fight wasn’t going well: the tiefling was surrounded, Kyrian was too tired after poking a beholder in the eye, and I was all but spent save for my Wishing Blade. The foul illithids drop a portcullis and start bombarding us from the other side with psychic energy. I had to do somethin’!
I ran up there and stabbed at a foul creature with my pig-sticker. The portcullis got in the way as I stabbed the thing. I had to stab through the bars…and-and I stuck the squid-headed aberration but…the portcullis sort ‘a caught my hand. The Mind Flayer pulled back and twisted kinda and…it pulled my Wishing Blade with it. Yep, Mind Flayers got a Sword of Wishes.
We had to teleport out of there in order to escape. A day later hundreds of intellect devourers and rune covered wizards began to spread out across Drakkarsys like an infernal wave. A few days after that, half the world froze. Now the Elder Brain is being worshiped as a god over on Drakkarsys….and it’s all because of portcullises!
And Bugbears, they were there too.
And lighthouses, there was one there when everything got frozen.
Bah! I’m going to go get some mead! Kyrian had been studying some of the Elder Crap that woke up with the brain thing, go talk to him if you want to know what a “Dagon” is…
Gods know where, probably Hel