HANDS, RINGS, EYES AND THINGS
by Ser Kwyx of Caliburn
Writing, fah! It’s all just words on a page. Words. Words, words, words. But I suppose I must keep an accurate record of my life story in case I die soon-what? Oh, I’m talking out loud again? Okay, say no more. I’m not supposed to write what I’m saying now!? You’ve got to be yankin’ my chain? No? Ah crap…
Anyhow, I’m cataloguing my life story. While you can read tales about my awesomeness already from my, admittedly dictated first few books: 16 Habits of Highly Successful Goblins, Kwyx: Hero of Goblin Hollow, and my favorite, Everyone Sucks and So Do You, this will cover one of my most legendary adventures….The Expedition to the Tomb of Horrors! I know, you must be trembling at my awesomeness, let’s begin!
The tale begins in Castle Ravenloft, dread domain of Vagnarok Lokigrim, Vampire Lord of Barovia. We had just finished putting an end to the Vampire’s reign of terror by plunging a magical spear through his heart. In the aftermath of the bloody battle, the elven warlock Sardonis Gentari claimed ol Vag’s sword as a prize. Salazar Redmon, Occult Detective extraordinaire, identified the sword and learned it was called Serkarka. If only we knew what that pig-sticker truly was! Ha!
After that we turned our attention to the dungeons of Ravenloft, searching for some way to return to our home in Drakkarsys. In those crypts we found a strange vault — very strange indeed. Within were three artifacts that we soon learned were the Hand, the Eye, and the Ring of Vecna… items that possessed the power to level cities individually, let alone what they could do when united! Sadly they turned you into a psycho killer and handed (GET IT?) your soul over to a god-lich. So like every adventuring party, we snatched the stuff, hoping some morally unambiguous wizard could take ‘em off our hands (Ha, GET IT?).
Eventually we found our portal to Drakkarsys and left bleak Barovia behind. To our surprise, when we exited the portal we were brought to a place called Illblack swamp. In the distance loomed one heck of a sight: a mountainous hill, overgrown and untended, surrounded by a grim bog. The legends were true: we stood before the Tomb of Horrors, crypt of Acererak the Demilich.
We soon learned why we were here. Locked away in the tomb was a lost relic of an ancient elven god, a relic that would help us in our future struggles. We learned all this from the spirit of an old friend, the Halfling Ockni Burrowfoot, who was… dead for lack of a better word.
So, after careful consideration, we entered the tomb. By now you know that all hell broke loose. Every inch of the place was a trap, almost certain doom awaited if you didn’t think quick enough. The only way we were able to evade such destruction was with the help of a handy dandy Time Dagger I had picked up a while back. With said dagger, I was able to freeze time for ten precious minutes, allowing us to sneak through the place without setting off the traps and because, well, they were frozen! Such a nice dagger, I wonder where that got off to… What was that G’nip? Jace has it?! Son of a…
Sorry about that, where was I? Oh yes, we had made incredible progress through the tomb, found all sorts of things, in fact, I was feeling pretty good, that is until we entered the Norfrost room. The rest of the tomb was decorated with images of Crecscentian godforms, but this place had old Norfrost runes all over the place. You know that big ol’ serpent that eats the gods? Think its name was Jambalaya? Well a big mosaic of it was right on the wall.
On the ground rested three chests, one was gold, one silver, the last bronze. The silver and bronze ones contained keys to other parts of the tomb, while the gold one radiated magic. So just to be on the safe side (for once) we had Sardonis use a mage hand to slowly open the chest. The lid had barely opened an inch before a creature emerged from the chest with a bloodcurdling howl. The one-eyed one-handed specter was recognized instantly; we had just freed Vecna the Whispered One.
The lich hovered there, its remaining hand outstretched, while we tried to figure out what to do. The creature, which I don’t even think could be called a lich anymore, hissed to us in a chill voice, “Eye…Hand…Ring…” He wanted his parts back! That at least gave Sally something to go on. But when he tried to bargain with it, Vecna just stared at him, repeating his last words. It truly seemed that the Whispered One was little more than a very angry shadow. Apparently it seemed that way for Serkarka, for it was at then that the blade spoke to us, revealing that it was in fact the Sword of Kas, gifted to Vagnarok by Kas the betrayer himself. The sword hastily told us of the danger that Vecna posed, and urged us to flee. Personally, I though the sword was kind of a sissy, but who was I to argue? So, moving faster than ever, Sardonis used warlock magic to force Vecna back into his prison, while I slammed the lid shut.
We naturally got the holy hell outt’a there after that. Yeah, we also found the artifact we were looking for, happy endings and all, but really, who wants to hear about the godkilling mace of an Elven Deity? That’s what I thought. Now there is still more to this story, for we knew not how or why the artifacts of Vecna ended up in Raveloft, or why Vecna was imprisoned in the Tomb of Horrors. But we do know this, Vecna is still out there, perhaps as that weakened specter, or perhaps not… Anyway, know that I am trying my hardest to find the stolen artifacts of Vecna- YES I AM G’NIP! And I will try my hardest to put an end to those who stole them-YES I KNOW WHO TOOK THEM G’NIP! Farewell, I’m off to find that foul lich and-NOBODY ASKED YOU HERE G’NIP…